Hey! Just saw some reruns of Who's the Boss on the local cable channel here in Brooklyn. Man - that stuff was funny! It was one about my girlfriend having a dream where she became a lowlife - like me and my TV family! But then che woke up! And she was still an Ivy League, toffee nose broad, slumming it with some ex-boxer in Brooklyn. It was something, alright. Then (in real life) I got loaded, chugging Miller High Life, watching the ballgame.
With Thanksgiving less than a month away, I thought I would share my recipe for Thanksgiving turkey with you all. Well, it's not really my recipe. It's our servant girl Anushka's recipe. She learned how to make it in her native Siberia.
Anushka's funny. Once she told me to 'fuck off and put your [my] head in your [my] toilet'. She says such funny stuff. And another time she plowed Nick Nolte's car into a kindergarten. Oh well, that's LA for you: one day you have troubles with the racial minorities, the next day Eddie Murphy's got a new Dr Daddy Daycare Dolittle movie out - what goes around comes around!
I was at a Republican fundraiser the other day, and my kids were dressed as elephants - it was so funny! Schwarzenegger was there too, standing around talking about 'terminating taxes'. Someone said something about the christian right not being completely behind termination, and I thought 'hey! that's out of order'.
Latest thing in Beverly Hills: sit down, formal fast food. McDonald's have opened a five star restaurant where you get served a burger after sitting at your table for an hour buying expensive wine and starters (e.g., fries) and chatting to friends. They guarantee your burger will be saliva free - unlike all other McDonalds everywhere else, where they loogie up those bad brothers! Just kidding! McDonalds - you're the boss!
Before I forget:
Anushka's Siberian Thanksgiving Turkey recipe
1 Turkey (frozen)
A whole heap of cranberries
A packet of cigarettes (20)
A match
A can of gasoline
A picture of the Virgin Mary
Actually, Anushka hasn't explained to me how you make this meal. I'll have to ask her when she gets back from the hospital... which won't be for a couple of months!
You know, I've been spending a lot of time with my good buddy Christopher Walken. We go food shopping together - Just for fun!
Sometimes, just for the shit of it, he says to me: 'Yo Danza. You. Piece. Of. Shit... I AM the... Fucking Boss.'
And I'm pretty shocked, because as I was saying pretty much everyone had agreed that I was the boss.
This happened the other day, when I was fluffing up some parsley in the deli near my office. I looked at Chris, and I said: 'Chris, you know I'm the Boss, now don't start trying to mess with me buddy'.
At which point Chris pulled this really awesome backflip something like 20 foot into the air like he was a bat or something, then landed on a streetlight, and started beating his chest and roaring like he was going to breathe fire or something.
I was able to coax him down with an otter-friendly tomato I found sitting in one of the organic vegetable carts. Then, when he had calmed down a bit, I put him in a cab and sent him home.
Hey! I was out there in Culver City earlier, having a meal in this awesome new restaurant called Beacon. I know the chef, Kazuto - he used to pick up shit in my yard. The place is beautiful and calm, like some sort of awesome spa. The floors are bamboo, so it's like walking in a zoo or something.
I was meeting Nick Nolte for lunch. Nick's an old friend - he once pulled my son out of a combine harvester he fell into. Nick was wasted as usual, and had parked his car in a fountain out front. Then he threw his cellphone to the valet and fell on the sidewalk. It was a sight, let me tell you.
We had just shitloads of sushi, and I got a bit wasted on sake - plowed the SUV through a couple of school playgrounds on the way home, but it was cool - the kids were inside being frisked for firearms.
Sushi was awesome, though. Beacon - remember the name. Tell 'em Tony sent you!
I've been the boss for quite some time; my wife says so, my managers know so, my accountants never stop telling me: I am the boss.
So why is it, when I walk into Smyth Brothers' Health Food Concern in Santa Monica, I can never find the right rice cakes? The ones with yogurt and orange topping are there, BUT THEY'RE NOT ORGANIC!
And another thing: I got this drop-top Saab - nothing too flash, but nice, you know - good for cruising to the beach. When I'm driving it with the top down, people are always staring.
Now I like people, American people. They've been good to me, making me a star and keeping me up there as one of America's favorites. But they stare all the time! And point!
Listen up: Danza says: QUIT IT!